Vampires Don't Sparkle

It's not a TV show, but I'll say it anyway: I hate Twilight. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Maybe it's the fact that I've grown accustomed to hating what the rest of the world likes, (not even loving NCIS as much as I used to, sadly) but I really hate all things Twilight and I think I have a legitimate reason: vampires don't sparkle. I think it was John Bell from Z100 who said it best when he said "why is it that everytime they describe this guy he's the most beautiful creature ever? Is anyone that beautiful? Really? And what's with the sparklling?"

According to Wikipedia, Edward Cullen, the lead character in the Twilight series is compared to the Greek god Adonis and his skin is "like marble that sparkles in the sunlight."

I'm sorry. What now? What vampires SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT? Last I checked, vampires were supposed to, oh I don't know, BURST INTO FLAMES when they go out during the day. I wonder why I would think that. Oh that's right, that's because that's been the way the tales are told since the very beginning of time! And by the beginning of time, I clearly mean Murnau's Nosferatu who was the very first vamp to fear daylight and I'm terribly sorry but Stephanie Meyers vs. Friedrich Murnau? That's not even a contest. Please, that's not even an entry in a contest.

Everytime I read that "since twilight, there's been a huge popularity resurange with vampires" I really want to vomit. Did the show Buffy The Vampire Slayer mean NOTHING to you people? It even caused a spinoff about a lead character...who was...you guessed it: A VAMPIRE. And while Angel was out of the ordinary because gypsies cursed him with a soul, he sure didn't sparkle when he went out in the sun. He sizzled. And according to one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite epsiodes, after he sizzled he apparently smelt like bacon. That seems about right. Vampires should totally smell like bacon after stepping outside for a (pardon the pun) hot second. They shouldn't be blinding people with their beauty.

But alas, Twilight is what's in. That's why there are twilight promotional calendars.

And Twilight promotional blankets. And Twilight promotional t-shirts and Twilight bedding

and Twlight everything else in the universe.

So as much as I love seeing every single type of promotional product with the Twilight logo on it every time I go to the mall, I can't help thinking that little Mr. Sparkles really isn't all that. And where might I ask, are the Twilight promotional barf bags? Cause THOSE I would purchase.

And just for fun, I found some Angel promotional playing cards over on ebay. Because merchandising and sparkling aside, Angel vs. Edward is like Murnau vs. Meyers. Angel wins. HANDS DOWN. I mean, come on...REALLY? Is there even a contest? What's sparkly gonna do? Hair gel him to death? Come on.